If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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