the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
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I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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