You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
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I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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