We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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