R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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