Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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