my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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