so explain again why im purple
no
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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