I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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