Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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