I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I think I just sharted jello shots
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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