Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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