"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is my life. Enjoy the view
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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