My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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