omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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