Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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