Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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