Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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