I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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