come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize