So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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