I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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