i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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