Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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