It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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