doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize