I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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