My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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