rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
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The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
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I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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