I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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