Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
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My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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