the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
