I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
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After tacos, we're chasing women.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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