I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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