Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize