so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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