I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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