Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
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She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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