I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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