i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
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he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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