it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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