just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
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Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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