i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize