Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
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The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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