so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
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Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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