he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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