new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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