So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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