I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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