I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
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After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
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I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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